July 9, 2024
Breaking the Silence: Life After Trauma
Overcoming Trauma and Finding Safety
In this episode of 'Inner Workings Of The Not So Genius Mind,' host Amanda McCombs shares her struggles and experiences with trauma, particularly her ordeal with a stalker during her teenage years. She discusses the subsequent health challenges, including her diagnosis of shingles and how it affected her. Amanda also reflects on the mental and emotional journey she has been through, emphasizing the importance of safety, therapy, and healing. She invites listeners to share their own stories, especially experiences related to pregnancy during COVID-19, as she plans to discuss more personal and communal stories in future episodes.
00:00 Introduction and Podcast Update
01:05 Personal Health Struggles
03:29 Stalker Story: A Dark Past
05:51 Creepy Encounters and Safety Measures
11:07 Healing and Moving Forward
16:02 Conclusion and Future Plans
#Podcast #Healing #Resilience #MentalHealth #Therapy #SelfCare #Inspiration #NotSoGenius #Storytelling #PodcastLife
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Hello, everyone.
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Welcome to the Inner Workings of the Not So Genius Mind.
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I'm your host, Amanda McCombs, and I'm the Not So Genius.
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You can find me at Not So Genius on Instagram and TikTok, and that's actually the handle you can also find me on on Facebook.
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Um, yeah, I am Man, so it's, I've had a gap in between recording because I've really been trying to figure out where to go and what direction to take this podcast because it really can be anything I want it to be.
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Um, I actually have like a few errors recording.
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I recorded like 10 different times and every time the audio came out awful.
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So, you know, new, uh, new adventures in podcasting.
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Here I am.
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Episode two.
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I.
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And if you're new here, I don't know if you heard my first episode.
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I guessed it on a couple other podcasts and kind of shared a little bit of my story and who I am.
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Um, last time I talked a lot about having shingles go through the nerves in my face and how that impacted me.
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I still have light and sound sensitivity.
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It's been, I was diagnosed.
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with shingles, February 2023, over a year ago.
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And like I was doing my makeup to get ready to come down here and I can't feel, if you can see this, I don't know if you're watching at all, but like I can't feel this whole part of my face.
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So I was getting ready and doing my makeup and was still like, holy smokes, I can't believe that this still hurts.
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Or like if there's a gap in taking my medicine.
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Anyway.
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I've had some sicknesses going on and I'm just so happy to be back in front of this microphone and give this another shot.
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Um, some of the stuff that I've been thinking about and wanting to share and talk about, like I've been through some, I've been through some crap and I was really, part of why there's been a big gap is because I still haven't really known where to start because I want to share my story, but like, what parts of my story do I want to share? And how deep do I want to go? And how much do I want to let all these strangers into my life? Um, and then I was remembering, like, not too long ago, I didn't want to be heard and I didn't want to be seen.
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Um, and it took a lot of therapy for me to be more confident and comfortable in myself and who I am because I literally didn't want to be found.
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And it was because I have had some not very nice people in my past that I have not wanted to find me.
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And I think I am now in a place where like, I'm, I am safe and I feel safe and I know that I'm safe.
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So I can share parts of my story that I have not felt safe enough to share yet.
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So here I am, And here we go.
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Um, I mentioned the shingles because I had a lot of time to just think, um, with my light and sound sensitivity because I literally could not hear anything without being in pain.
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Like the sound of my own breathing made me moan and whine and complain because it just hurts so bad.
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Like even just the sound of my own breath hurt.
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So, I was alone with my thoughts quite a lot and I was able to kind of go back to all these times in my life that, um, changed me.
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And one of them was, um, I used to have somebody when I was a teenager, I lived like on a mountain and our yard went up a mountain.
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I went up into all these trees and stuff.
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Um, I had somebody that used to sit out there and take pictures of me and he, Stalked me for a very long time.
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He actually used to break into my house.
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Um, he'd like wait for my parents to be gone and he or sleep and he would break into my house and climb into my bed and talk to me about how he and I were destined to be together.
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We were meant to be together and it was in our destinies and it was fate and all this other stuff.
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And he was a neighbor boy.
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Um, at first, like him coming to my window and saying hi was like, It's kind of cute and kind of nice, but then it wasn't cute or nice anymore, and I, I said no, no thank you, um, and that, he didn't like that answer, um, so it kind of became more threatening, and I didn't realize what it was.
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This all started when I was like 13, 13, 14 is when this was happening, and um, eventually I had a dog.
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Sleeping in my room every night.
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So now I have big, huge dogs all the time.
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Um, and they sleep in my bed because they help me feel safe because once I had a big, huge dog sleeping, I didn't have someone creepy coming to my window.
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Um, but later in my life he showed up and he just kept showing up randomly and assuming that like any kind of kindness that I showed him meant that he and I like, no matter what my thoughts or feelings were that we were supposed to.
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be together.
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Like there was one time, um, he, I was working at a coffee shop and he ran into me at the coffee ran into me at the coffee shop and he needed some help and I was nice.
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And so I offered him some help and talked to him, just kind of lent him an ear because That was like a once upon a time thing, right? Like, we knew each other a while ago and now I'm working over here in a coffee shop and you're going through a tough time.
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I'm sorry, that's sad, but then he knew I had a boyfriend, um, I was getting ready to get off of my shift at the coffee house and he shows up with a bouquet of flowers.
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And waits in line and like orders a drink and gives me the flowers and I'm talking about how like I don't have anything to put the flowers in and thank you and he's like, well, well, I never gave you flowers on our first date.
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And anyway, my boyfriend takes me home like we, I sneak out at the end of my shift.
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My boyfriend has told me no.
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Not no.
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I have told that guy no, and my boyfriend like didn't get, he didn't understand why I was upset because some guy just gave me flowers.
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It wasn't just some guy gave me flowers.
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It was this guy from my past comes back.
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Excuse me.
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This guy from my past that was like really really creepy.
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I didn't know this but apparently he had made death threats to some of my friends when They were telling him to leave me alone because he was just being really awful and really creepy.
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I am not giving a thumbs up.
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What the heck video? Sorry.
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Um, he was being really, really creepy.
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And I had some friends that were defending me and he was like making death threats and all kinds of other things.
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I had no idea.
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No idea.
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Um, I think I was just, I've just been in fight or fight.
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Well, fight or flight for so long that I haven't really been able to process so much of this stuff that's, like, happened to me.
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Anyway, um, uh, So I tell this guy that's given me flowers that I have a boyfriend, very obviously, and I don't, like, no thank you.
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Like, we can be friends! And this is me being naive, like, I'm not even, I think this was before I was even 20.
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Um, And we were hanging out and we were trying to be friends and it just, it wasn't going to work.
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This guy and I were not going to be able to be friends.
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So I let him know that and I'm hanging out with another one of my friends and we're drinking even though I'm underage.
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Don't tell anyone.
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That's when I did most of my drinking.
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Um, and he just comes into my apartment and it was me and my one guy friend that were hanging out.
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That was like a friend of my boyfriend.
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And this guy comes in.
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that I've told to leave me alone and that we can't be friends because you're being creepy.
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And he pulls out a journal and he starts reading journal entries that he's written about me since I lived in that house, which I obviously don't live in anymore.
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But he's like reading all these different pages about how I'm his muse and his inspiration.
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And he's ripping the pages out and setting them down on the coffee table.
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And then he leaves.
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And apparently he, Had a mental health crisis and had to go to the hospital.
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But like part of why I'm talking about this is because I've seen all this man versus bear stuff going around and no, my house did not back up into like woods where there was bears, but like I wasn't even in the woods with this guy.
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I was in my own house.
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I would pick a hundred percent pick the bear.
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This guy just kept showing up and he wouldn't take me.
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no for an answer and kept trying to tell me that we were like fated to be together.
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And I did not feel the same way.
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And there's lots of other times where I didn't feel the same way.
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And I said no, and it wasn't accepted.
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My answer, what I wanted wasn't okay with whatever that guy wanted.
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And it happened multiple times.
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Like I don't understand.
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I'm not, I'm obviously don't, I'm obviously not these people.
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I've had to do a lot of learning and growing.
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Um, but let me tell you how cool my brain is because I've lived in this one house that I'm recording in right now.
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I've lived here since 2019 and it's always had this beautiful tree that has flowers on it and I could never get the smell of the flowers.
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Ever.
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Every time I tried to smell them, people would always talk about the smell of the flowers.
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I couldn't smell them.
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And I thought maybe it was just because I was sick or something.
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Um, it wasn't until after I went to therapy that I was able to smell the flowers.
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And I come to find out it's because that tree in front of my house is a chokecherry tree.
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And my house that I lived in, where all this stuff with this creepy guy started, was lined with chokecherries.
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Chuck Terry trees like my driveway.
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Um, and so I think that, um, my brain was protecting me because you know, how smells bring back a lot of memories and things.
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I really believe that my brain was keeping me safe and protecting me until I was ready to deal with it and process it because now at springtime in Utah, I'm recording this early in May and the tree is blooming and it smells so beautiful.
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It smells so good.
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I forgot what it smelled like, and I am able to finally enjoy it.
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I have so many more things that I have to like, heal from and process, but like, I am so thankful that I'm able to enjoy my life again.
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Like, we talk a lot about being in fight, fight, flight, fawn, and freeze.
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Um, I've been in that mode for so much of my life and I'm so thankful that I'm just able to be like a lot more regulated and I'm able to talk about these things.
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If girls say no, keep saying no, uh, guys, we choose the bear.
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And the reason we choose the bear is because we don't get, we don't have to deal with permanent consequences or like have to carry unwanted babies or, um, The guys, the guys are just not usually always there to help us.
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And maybe you are not the problem.
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And I appreciate, I do have a lot of guys in my life that are not the problem.
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I had a lot of guys back in these days when I had this creepy guy following me around and like through my teenage years that were like brothers to me.
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So don't get me wrong.
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I had a lot of really amazing guy figures in my life and I appreciate all of them.
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I have like wonderful brothers.
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I've been blessed with a wonderful husband, um, and many other men in my life.
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And my dad, oh my gosh, don't get me started on my dad and how incredible he is.
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But, um, there's a lot of times where we've said no or we've walked away or I was just watching a video where like a personal trainer was working with this lady and she said no to one of his advances and he grabs her and SLAMS her.
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And like, she hits her head and it's because she said no.
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So we don't feel safe.
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And I'm very thankful that there are a lot of people in my life that help me feel safe because that's why I'm in this position now.
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And I'm able to record, but like, if you're not part of the problem, the best way to be part of the solution is to just keep treating us the same.
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with respect and like what we need because we're not this like we're all individuals and there's nobody here that's better than anybody else and i think we all deserve a chance to have an amazing wonderful incredible life like That time period where I couldn't see was awful, awful, awful.
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And not being able to hear awful, awful, awful.
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Like, I am so glad that I have that back too.
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But now that I'm starting to heal, it's just really incredible how my brain, how I've noticed my brain has worked and how it's been able to protect me and help me navigate all this.
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Cause man, I've been, I've been through like a couple things.
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I've been through some traumatic crap.
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Anyway, if you have listened this far, thank you for staying.
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Those are just some of the thoughts, some of the things happening while I, uh, was unable to really talk or see or listen to anything.
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Just some of the things that I was thinking about and being able to heal from that.
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I have no idea what that guy's up to.
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I don't really care.
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He, out of sight, out of mind.
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Like, it's been years and I'm just really glad that I started.
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I'm really glad that I've been able to heal and move past it because that was really hard.
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And like, I've had some incredibly validating experiences since I've been able to heal from all of this and talk about it.
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So, if you need someone, I'm here.
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I've been through it.
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I'm an ear to listen to, uh, anything that you want to talk about.
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I am going to begin.
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recording with guests here pretty soon.
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So if you have any stories you would like to share, I'm actually interested in doing a round table with women that were pregnant during COVID because that is another thing that I am planning on talking about.
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Um, when my baby was born, it was June, 2020.
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So it was very early in COVID and That was kind of a traumatic experience.
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So if you had a baby early in COVID or you were pregnant during COVID and you would like to share your experience, please let me know.
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I would like to get you on my schedule.
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Um, and yeah, I don't know.
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I just hope everyone feels safe and everyone takes care of themselves and just take a moment to be thankful that you're here and that we're alive, man.
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The world is a beautiful place.
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Uh, stay tuned.
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For more, uh, thoughts from the inner workings of the not so genius mind.
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Hello, everyone.
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Welcome to the Inner Workings of the Not So Genius Mind.
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I'm your host, Amanda McCombs, and I'm the Not So Genius.
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You can find me at Not So Genius on Instagram and TikTok, and that's actually the handle you can also find me on on Facebook.
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Um, yeah, I am Man, so it's, I've had a gap in between recording because I've really been trying to figure out where to go and what direction to take this podcast because it really can be anything I want it to be.
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Um, I actually have like a few errors recording.
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I recorded like 10 different times and every time the audio came out awful.
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So, you know, new, uh, new adventures in podcasting.
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Here I am.
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Episode two.
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I.
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And if you're new here, I don't know if you heard my first episode.
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I guessed it on a couple other podcasts and kind of shared a little bit of my story and who I am.
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Um, last time I talked a lot about having shingles go through the nerves in my face and how that impacted me.
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I still have light and sound sensitivity.
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It's been, I was diagnosed.
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with shingles, February 2023, over a year ago.
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And like I was doing my makeup to get ready to come down here and I can't feel, if you can see this, I don't know if you're watching at all, but like I can't feel this whole part of my face.
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So I was getting ready and doing my makeup and was still like, holy smokes, I can't believe that this still hurts.
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Or like if there's a gap in taking my medicine.
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Anyway.
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I've had some sicknesses going on and I'm just so happy to be back in front of this microphone and give this another shot.
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Um, some of the stuff that I've been thinking about and wanting to share and talk about, like I've been through some, I've been through some crap and I was really, part of why there's been a big gap is because I still haven't really known where to start because I want to share my story, but like, what parts of my story do I want to share? And how deep do I want to go? And how much do I want to let all these strangers into my life? Um, and then I was remembering, like, not too long ago, I didn't want to be heard and I didn't want to be seen.
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Um, and it took a lot of therapy for me to be more confident and comfortable in myself and who I am because I literally didn't want to be found.
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And it was because I have had some not very nice people in my past that I have not wanted to find me.
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And I think I am now in a place where like, I'm, I am safe and I feel safe and I know that I'm safe.
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So I can share parts of my story that I have not felt safe enough to share yet.
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So here I am, And here we go.
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Um, I mentioned the shingles because I had a lot of time to just think, um, with my light and sound sensitivity because I literally could not hear anything without being in pain.
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Like the sound of my own breathing made me moan and whine and complain because it just hurts so bad.
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Like even just the sound of my own breath hurt.
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So, I was alone with my thoughts quite a lot and I was able to kind of go back to all these times in my life that, um, changed me.
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And one of them was, um, I used to have somebody when I was a teenager, I lived like on a mountain and our yard went up a mountain.
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I went up into all these trees and stuff.
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Um, I had somebody that used to sit out there and take pictures of me and he, Stalked me for a very long time.
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He actually used to break into my house.
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Um, he'd like wait for my parents to be gone and he or sleep and he would break into my house and climb into my bed and talk to me about how he and I were destined to be together.
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We were meant to be together and it was in our destinies and it was fate and all this other stuff.
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And he was a neighbor boy.
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Um, at first, like him coming to my window and saying hi was like, It's kind of cute and kind of nice, but then it wasn't cute or nice anymore, and I, I said no, no thank you, um, and that, he didn't like that answer, um, so it kind of became more threatening, and I didn't realize what it was.
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This all started when I was like 13, 13, 14 is when this was happening, and um, eventually I had a dog.
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Sleeping in my room every night.
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So now I have big, huge dogs all the time.
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Um, and they sleep in my bed because they help me feel safe because once I had a big, huge dog sleeping, I didn't have someone creepy coming to my window.
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Um, but later in my life he showed up and he just kept showing up randomly and assuming that like any kind of kindness that I showed him meant that he and I like, no matter what my thoughts or feelings were that we were supposed to.
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be together.
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Like there was one time, um, he, I was working at a coffee shop and he ran into me at the coffee ran into me at the coffee shop and he needed some help and I was nice.
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And so I offered him some help and talked to him, just kind of lent him an ear because That was like a once upon a time thing, right? Like, we knew each other a while ago and now I'm working over here in a coffee shop and you're going through a tough time.
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I'm sorry, that's sad, but then he knew I had a boyfriend, um, I was getting ready to get off of my shift at the coffee house and he shows up with a bouquet of flowers.
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And waits in line and like orders a drink and gives me the flowers and I'm talking about how like I don't have anything to put the flowers in and thank you and he's like, well, well, I never gave you flowers on our first date.
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And anyway, my boyfriend takes me home like we, I sneak out at the end of my shift.
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My boyfriend has told me no.
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Not no.
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I have told that guy no, and my boyfriend like didn't get, he didn't understand why I was upset because some guy just gave me flowers.
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It wasn't just some guy gave me flowers.
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It was this guy from my past comes back.
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Excuse me.
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This guy from my past that was like really really creepy.
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I didn't know this but apparently he had made death threats to some of my friends when They were telling him to leave me alone because he was just being really awful and really creepy.
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I am not giving a thumbs up.
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What the heck video? Sorry.
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Um, he was being really, really creepy.
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And I had some friends that were defending me and he was like making death threats and all kinds of other things.
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I had no idea.
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No idea.
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Um, I think I was just, I've just been in fight or fight.
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Well, fight or flight for so long that I haven't really been able to process so much of this stuff that's, like, happened to me.
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Anyway, um, uh, So I tell this guy that's given me flowers that I have a boyfriend, very obviously, and I don't, like, no thank you.
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Like, we can be friends! And this is me being naive, like, I'm not even, I think this was before I was even 20.
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Um, And we were hanging out and we were trying to be friends and it just, it wasn't going to work.
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This guy and I were not going to be able to be friends.
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So I let him know that and I'm hanging out with another one of my friends and we're drinking even though I'm underage.
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Don't tell anyone.
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That's when I did most of my drinking.
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Um, and he just comes into my apartment and it was me and my one guy friend that were hanging out.
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That was like a friend of my boyfriend.
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And this guy comes in.
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that I've told to leave me alone and that we can't be friends because you're being creepy.
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And he pulls out a journal and he starts reading journal entries that he's written about me since I lived in that house, which I obviously don't live in anymore.
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But he's like reading all these different pages about how I'm his muse and his inspiration.
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And he's ripping the pages out and setting them down on the coffee table.
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And then he leaves.
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And apparently he, Had a mental health crisis and had to go to the hospital.
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But like part of why I'm talking about this is because I've seen all this man versus bear stuff going around and no, my house did not back up into like woods where there was bears, but like I wasn't even in the woods with this guy.
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I was in my own house.
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I would pick a hundred percent pick the bear.
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This guy just kept showing up and he wouldn't take me.
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no for an answer and kept trying to tell me that we were like fated to be together.
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And I did not feel the same way.
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And there's lots of other times where I didn't feel the same way.
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And I said no, and it wasn't accepted.
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My answer, what I wanted wasn't okay with whatever that guy wanted.
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And it happened multiple times.
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Like I don't understand.
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I'm not, I'm obviously don't, I'm obviously not these people.
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I've had to do a lot of learning and growing.
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Um, but let me tell you how cool my brain is because I've lived in this one house that I'm recording in right now.
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I've lived here since 2019 and it's always had this beautiful tree that has flowers on it and I could never get the smell of the flowers.
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Ever.
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Every time I tried to smell them, people would always talk about the smell of the flowers.
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I couldn't smell them.
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And I thought maybe it was just because I was sick or something.
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Um, it wasn't until after I went to therapy that I was able to smell the flowers.
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And I come to find out it's because that tree in front of my house is a chokecherry tree.
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And my house that I lived in, where all this stuff with this creepy guy started, was lined with chokecherries.
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Chuck Terry trees like my driveway.
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Um, and so I think that, um, my brain was protecting me because you know, how smells bring back a lot of memories and things.
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I really believe that my brain was keeping me safe and protecting me until I was ready to deal with it and process it because now at springtime in Utah, I'm recording this early in May and the tree is blooming and it smells so beautiful.
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It smells so good.
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I forgot what it smelled like, and I am able to finally enjoy it.
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I have so many more things that I have to like, heal from and process, but like, I am so thankful that I'm able to enjoy my life again.
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Like, we talk a lot about being in fight, fight, flight, fawn, and freeze.
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Um, I've been in that mode for so much of my life and I'm so thankful that I'm just able to be like a lot more regulated and I'm able to talk about these things.
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If girls say no, keep saying no, uh, guys, we choose the bear.
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And the reason we choose the bear is because we don't get, we don't have to deal with permanent consequences or like have to carry unwanted babies or, um, The guys, the guys are just not usually always there to help us.
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And maybe you are not the problem.
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And I appreciate, I do have a lot of guys in my life that are not the problem.
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I had a lot of guys back in these days when I had this creepy guy following me around and like through my teenage years that were like brothers to me.
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So don't get me wrong.
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I had a lot of really amazing guy figures in my life and I appreciate all of them.
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I have like wonderful brothers.
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I've been blessed with a wonderful husband, um, and many other men in my life.
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And my dad, oh my gosh, don't get me started on my dad and how incredible he is.
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But, um, there's a lot of times where we've said no or we've walked away or I was just watching a video where like a personal trainer was working with this lady and she said no to one of his advances and he grabs her and SLAMS her.
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And like, she hits her head and it's because she said no.
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So we don't feel safe.
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And I'm very thankful that there are a lot of people in my life that help me feel safe because that's why I'm in this position now.
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And I'm able to record, but like, if you're not part of the problem, the best way to be part of the solution is to just keep treating us the same.
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with respect and like what we need because we're not this like we're all individuals and there's nobody here that's better than anybody else and i think we all deserve a chance to have an amazing wonderful incredible life like That time period where I couldn't see was awful, awful, awful.
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And not being able to hear awful, awful, awful.
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Like, I am so glad that I have that back too.
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But now that I'm starting to heal, it's just really incredible how my brain, how I've noticed my brain has worked and how it's been able to protect me and help me navigate all this.
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Cause man, I've been, I've been through like a couple things.
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I've been through some traumatic crap.
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Anyway, if you have listened this far, thank you for staying.
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Those are just some of the thoughts, some of the things happening while I, uh, was unable to really talk or see or listen to anything.
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Just some of the things that I was thinking about and being able to heal from that.
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I have no idea what that guy's up to.
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I don't really care.
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He, out of sight, out of mind.
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Like, it's been years and I'm just really glad that I started.
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I'm really glad that I've been able to heal and move past it because that was really hard.
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And like, I've had some incredibly validating experiences since I've been able to heal from all of this and talk about it.
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So, if you need someone, I'm here.
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I've been through it.
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I'm an ear to listen to, uh, anything that you want to talk about.
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I am going to begin.
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recording with guests here pretty soon.
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So if you have any stories you would like to share, I'm actually interested in doing a round table with women that were pregnant during COVID because that is another thing that I am planning on talking about.
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Um, when my baby was born, it was June, 2020.
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So it was very early in COVID and That was kind of a traumatic experience.
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So if you had a baby early in COVID or you were pregnant during COVID and you would like to share your experience, please let me know.
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I would like to get you on my schedule.
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Um, and yeah, I don't know.
155
00:17:47,864.1665856 --> 00:17:57,754.1675856
I just hope everyone feels safe and everyone takes care of themselves and just take a moment to be thankful that you're here and that we're alive, man.
156
00:17:58,254.1675856 --> 00:17:59,654.1675856
The world is a beautiful place.
157
00:18:00,424.1675856 --> 00:18:01,244.1675856
Uh, stay tuned.
158
00:18:02,174.1675856 --> 00:18:06,24.1675856
For more, uh, thoughts from the inner workings of the not so genius mind.
